Conquering Fear

I've spent the large majority of the past twelve months in fear. In fear of the cancer itself. In fear of the surgeries. Of losing my hair. Fear of my family not coping. Of my not coping. And, most recently, of the cancer coming back. So, to have found a hobby that purposefully thrusts me into that fear-state is just as surprising to me as it probably is to you. But, that's what I'm doing.

Additionally, I'm not a huge fan of heights. I blame my dad for that gene. So the idea of clinging on to bits of plastic and yanking myself up a ten foot high wall is a little counter-intuitive for me. Every time I do it though, I realise that...quite simply...I can.

I started easy. Made my way up a few easy routes. And then I found myself a challenge. I climbed two thirds of the way up. Chris was underneath me shouting for me to simply reach my right hand out. I was there! So close. Attempt after attempt, my nerves kicked in and my body simply wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. I froze. I was scared. Stopping at the same point every time.

Chris went off to find a challenge of his own and left me peering with intent up at the plastic wall before me, chalk covering my sweaty palms. I had another crack and easily swung my way back to the position Chris had last seen me in. And then, I did it. I pushed hard with my feet, locked my left leg under the overhang and reached out. I had done it. I had done something that, just five minutes earlier, I truly believed I couldn't do. Climbing teaches me that again and again. That I am capable of things I truly thought were impossible. Like coping with shaving my head. Like conquering cancer. Like living with the fear of it coming back.

When I'm in the physical act of climbing, my mind is fully consumed. Whether it's problem-solving, terrified or joyous having just reached the top hold, it's busy. There is no space for fear of cancer. Or surgery. Or anything else. And maybe that's why I like it so much.

Brianna Madia said recently that "one day you have to decide that being afraid isn't a good enough reason not to do something." And so, I climb. Because it's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.