One Year Cancer-Free (we think)

Today should be a day for celebration. On this day, twelve months ago, I found out I was cancer-free.

You see, I had surgery to remove my cervix not long before Christmas, 2018. The analysis of the tissue they removed would determine whether I was cancer-free or needed a hysterectomy. I pretty big deal. Thanks to the Christmas period, the New Year came and went without news as my fertility hung in the balance and none of the Christmas food tasted quite as good as it should.

So, on the 4th January, 2019, I messaged my original gynaecologist/oncologist Dr Walker hoping for some kind of timeframe. When my phone rang, almost immediately, my stomach lurched. Dr Walker began by reminding me that the number one rule of any doctor is not to give results over the phone. This rule applied even more when, like in this particular case, he wasn't even the one who did my surgery and, he hadn't looked at the results yet himself. He had no idea what they said. He had no idea whether he was about to tell me I was in the clear, or would never carry a child.

I gripped the phone, my heart in my mouth, and listened as he opened up my file and mumbled his way through the results. There was no evidence of disease in the tissue they had removed. Nothing would be official until the team had met but, he congratulated me. And that was all I needed for food to begin to taste a little sweeter.

Twelve months on, I wait today, heart-in-mouth once more. Almost three weeks ago I had a pap smear to check whether the cancer had returned. And, once again, thanks to the Christmas period, my results are delayed.

So while I should be celebrating one year cancer-free, today I can't help but wonder about my results. The results that are probably sitting on a computer somewhere, just waiting for a doctor to return from their holiday and open them up. And I'm scared. I'm scared of bad news. Of being told I have to do it all over again. Scared that I'll need that hysterectomy after all. I'm scared of losing my hair again and putting my family through hell again.

And it doesn't help that our country is on fire so I'm an emotional mess anyway. And I can't help but feel guilty for sitting with this fear when people are currently fighting for their lives. All I can hope is that sometime next week I can truly say I've made it a year cancer-free and that rain is upon us. Fingers crossed. And keep those distractions coming.